Yuku free message boards

Little Davies's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman.

"The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Davie asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture

a bad day

oink

A hillbilly farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store.

"Heya, Wilbur," said Sam, the store owner. "tell me, are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and flint together?"

"You betcha, Sam. Ain't no 'tother way. Why?"

"Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It's called a 'match'."

"'Match'? Never heard of it."

"Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this," Sam says, taking a match and striking it on his pants."

"Huh. Well, that's something, but that ain't for me, Sam."

"Well, why not?"

"I can't be walking twelve miles every time I want a fire and borrow your pants."

A Dog's Rules for Christmas

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.
2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.
3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.
4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
a. Don't pee on the tree
b. Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree
c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree
d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open
e. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree
5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:
a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
b. Don't eat off the buffet table
c. Beg for goodies subtly
d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
e. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach
6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:
a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important)
b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house
c. Tolerate children
d. Turn on your charm big time
7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DO NOT BITE HIM!!

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mea Lookzee Yu, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE.

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" " Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

>>>A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a
>>>brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The
>>>driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
>>>sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy,
>>>"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your
>>>herd, will you give me a calf?"
>>>
>>>The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
>>>peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
>>>
>>>The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
>>>connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a
>>>NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite
>>>navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he
>>>then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an
>>>ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital
>>>photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing
>>>facility in Hamburg, Germany.
>>>
>>>Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the
>>>image has been processed and the data stored.
>>>
>>>He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
>>>spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes,
>>>receives a response.
>>>
>>>Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
>>>hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the
>>>cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
>>>
>>>"Why, that's right," says the cowboy. "Well, I guess you can take
>>>one of my calves."
>>>
>>>He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on
>>>amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
>>>
>>>Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you
>>>exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
>>>
>>>The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay,
>>>why not?"
>>>
>>>You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.
>>>
>>>"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess
>>>that?"
>>>
>>>"No guessing required." answered the cowboy.
>>>
>>>"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get
>>>paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.
>>>You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you
>>>don't know a thing about cows...
>>>
>>>Now give me back my damned dog."
>>>
>>>